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As the Invisible Weasels that Created the Universe and Control Everything stirred within the inchoate miasma, the barrel arose from the formless mass, self-made, untested and perfectly impure. The Lemur-Headed Dark Gods from Beyond Time and Space themselves, in all their wisdom, cannot name the barrel's source, or define the true limits of its meaning. Nonetheless, I am the Arigato, of House Arigato, Lord Administrator and Benefactor unto the Untried, Keeper of the Barrel. I expect to feel you there tomorrow, 6 am on the dot. I'd say sharp, but I don't trust you and your chipped teeth.

When you were but a dirty glimmer in your uncle's eye, I had been administrating the Barrel for untold millenia. When the apes dropped from the trees and pursued the proto-horses across the grasslands, those new hunters amongst them spent time in the barrel. The newest ochre-spitters in the neolithic caves also had to spend their day in the barrel. In mighty Babylon, the apprentice scriveners of clay tablets spent their time, as did the junior illuminators of the Medieval monasteries, the fourth class clerks of the Hapbsburg shipping offices, and even the first 5 American Presidents. And I, in one form or another, was there, administrating the barrel.

The barrel itself existed long before even I existed to polish its staves and grease its hoops, and will exist long after you have crumbled to dust, and even after my own passing in the green flame of Cthulhonic progression, but even then, an Arigato will exist, as will the barrel.

And your spawn, if any there be, will also spend their time.

Think not of the barrel as a punishment, or even as a trial, but as a link to the past, the present and the future. Your one true remembrance of baseness before the almighty altar of sensus communis. The barrel is a privilege, and a joy. So get the hell in, 6 am. It's greased and good to go. Wear chapstick.

But what, you ask, is the barrel?

Well....

A young man decided to go to town. One thing led to another, and he ended up in a tavern. And, similarly, one thing led to another and....

He woke up aboard a pirate ship, the first mate leering into his face, shouting greetings.
"Arr, so awake ye be, then? Then howdy and welcome aboard, lad!"

The youth quivered in fear and shrank back, and the old pirate's face softened.

"Arr, it's not as bad as that, me hearty! Sure and you've been shanghaied fair and good, and are now a pirate true, but we get three meals a day, a mug of grog, and a share in the booty after each battle! And what's more - d'ye see yon barrel with the knothole out? Well, ye can stick the auld meat hammer in that hole anytime you feel the need, and ye will experience the most wonderful sensation!"

The young man did so, and his fear changed to joy, then rapture!
"Sir, that truly is the most wonderful feeling I have experienced in my young life!", the young man exclaimed," Is it true that I may stick my manhood in this heavenly knothole at any time?"

"Aye", replied the pirate, "Except Wednesday. Wednesday is your turn in the barrel."