Forums: Waiting for Godot:

I haven't seen my dad since I was 18. I'm 29. I flew myself out to Texas to see him. I didn't talk to him for like eight years after that.

I just sent him this email in response to an email he sent me on Christmas.

Too harsh?

"Dad",

I don't know why I chose now to write this. I don't know why I'm up at 5:56am on mother's day writing a letter to my "Dad". I just felt things had to be said.

I'm sorry it took me four months to reply to your email, but hey, at least it was faster than it took you contact me, what eight years. It's not like my information is readily available all over the internet or anything.

Not six months before you sent me this email, "Dad" we had a conversation over email in which I told you my wife's name was Kerry. In which I told you "your" grand children's names were Austin and Nathan. Six months. I can understand a person forgetting where somebody works after being told in an email six months ago. Hell I can understand forgetting where somebody lives after being told in an email six months ago. But to forget the names of your "daughter in law" and your "grandchildren". That, I can't understand.

I'm sorry your precious Tony passed away "Dad", I really am. I know how close you were to him, I know he was the only kid of yours you ever gave two shits about. But you have three other children. Three other kids who would have enjoyed some of your love in their life. Maybe some of your guidance, some of your life's lessons. Three other kids who you completely ignored. Shit, "Dad" I know my next door neighbor better than I know you, and I've only lived here for a year and a half.

I've never had a father to call and ask advice as I head into that big interview. Blue suit, black suit, grey suit. What do I say. How do I shake his hand. I've never had that, I've never had somebody to ask fatherly advice from. I've never had a dad.

Luckily I've had the world's most wonderful mother to raise me, "dad". She may not be able to give me fatherly advice, but god dammit she's been there. When I was young and I looked her in the eyes and told her I hated here, she said, "I love you" and she was there.

She's been there when I was being dragged through the courts. She's been there when my kids were being born. She was there when I was married. She's there for me to talk to when I'm feeling down. She's been there for me every fucking second of every fucking day. She's stood there, and been my mom.

I'm ashamed of very few things in my life. I could lose weight. I could be nicer. But most of all, I'm ashamed to carry your last name, I'm ashamed to pass on your legacy. I'm changing my name to my mom's, and I'm changing theirs as well. Unfortunately, the only "XXXXXXXX" in me is the bad stuff, the drinking, the violence, the stuff I'm ashamed of. I want nothing more to do with it.

What scares the shit out of me, "dad", is that I'm becoming you. I drink too much. I don't see Nathan as often as I should. I make up excuses on days when it's my visitation. That scares me, I don't want to be you.

Please stop contacting me. It's too little too late.

Well of course it's not too harsh, but do you really want to send it?

I think "Please stop contacting me. It's too little, too late." is perfect and says it all.

Its very sad that you have an ass for a father. Please don't become one yourself. I have an ass for a father too and I do everything I can to NOT be like him. Write letters like this to get the anger out and move on Phil. You don't deserve to be pissed off and the people around you don't deserve to have a pissed off Phil.

Originally posted by: Flak
Well of course it's not too harsh, but do you really want to send it?

I think "Please stop contacting me. It's too little, too late." is perfect and says it all.

Its very sad that you have an ass for a father. Please don't become one yourself. I have an ass for a father too and I do everything I can to NOT be like him. Write letters like this to get the anger out and move on Phil. You don't deserve to be pissed off and the people around you don't deserve to have a pissed off Phil.

Thansk.

biology is overrated. if you haven't seen him in that long, he can't remember his grandchildren's names, and you can't call him dad without quotation marks, he's probably not even worth getting that upset over. but it sounds like he's trying to get back in touch, make amends, etc. then again, if he's going to do it in a half assed way, probably better off to ignore.

Jeez Phil. I think the best thing you can do, to NOT become your Dad, is to spend all the time you can with Nathan. Be the Dad that you never had, for him.

Best of luck, man. I am very sorry that he was never there for you....

:o\

Wait! I thought only my sister and I were allowed to post our family dramehs?

Originally posted by: TikiGirl
Jeez Phil. I think the best thing you can do, to NOT become your Dad, is to spend all the time you can with Nathan. Be the Dad that you never had, for him.

Best of luck, man. I am very sorry that he was never there for you....

:o\

QFT

my dad had a shit father, and mother come to think of it. he's a text book case of someone who should have followed in his parents' footsteps, but he didn't. he became the most incredible father ever, i have no doubt it was hard for him at times having sixteen years of experiencing that environment, but he managed to never repeat the abhorrent behavior of his parents. i'm thirty-three this year, my sister is twenty-nine and we still go over to my parents house every sunday, with our spouses and kids, just to hang out. i don't say that to rub it in, but just to show that you can throw off the shackles of your upbringing.

the best fuck you to your dad would becoming the man he couldn't or wouldn't.

good luck.

I think the entire letter is excellent. But the last line, do you really mean it? You'd rather go through the rest of your life having *no* dad? None at all? Even a shitty one? Talk to a few people whose dads are dead, never coming back, maybe you'll realize a shitty dad is better than none?

Yeah this is one of those you write, then crinkle up and slip it in the trash. You're a grown up, he's a grown up. Learn to deal with each other or don't but the blame game is never the answer. I say this as a person with a shitty dad, and a shitty step dad, as a man who's trying not to be a shitty dad, but whose daughters will no doubt one day probably be writing a letter telling me how much of a shitty dad I am/was. Just live and let live. You don't have to be his buddy, but.... I don't know. Parenthood is a thankless job.

Originally posted by: phil
Too harsh?

who knows? who's to say?

either answer is perhaps wrong... all of what you say is heartfelt and correct to say. I would prefer maybe yelling it, having it heard—on second thought, having it there to read through tear-filled eyes over and over would be good too... but, in the end some resolution—a beeer, a quiet walk, a hug or a goodbye... closure would probably help.


if this provides you with that closure. good for you.



have a great day with your mom!

Originally posted by: Your MomTalk to a few people whose dads are dead, never coming back, maybe you'll realize a shitty dad is better than none?

it depends on the dad.

I don't know your situation mate but I think you're probably on the right track with that letter. The dad thing is strange, growing up without one does fucked up things to your ego and the way you learn to interact with people. I know my life was shaped pretty strongly by the presence of a somewhat rough father and the immediate, irrevocable loss of him. Twenty years on I still struggle with it a bit and I think the best thing I ever did was to accept the fact that I'd never have that guy to give me advice or congratulate me or be proud of my accomplishments.

Mine died but I'm sure that the patterns are the same, through my youth I looked for father figures, I acted violently toward other men and I relentlessly womanized in an attempt to define myself as a man. Eventually I caught myself and took the opportunity to define what it really meant to be a man on more rational terms, I still have issues but things are much better. And I no longer carry that chip on my shoulder (or at least it's a lot smaller now).

So, yeah finally cutting ties and moving on is awesome, congratulations

Meh...I'd agree with Flak, in fact I'd go further and just say "Please stop contacting me."

I don't see what rest of it will achieve -- yeah you get to vent, but does it make you a better man, more of a man than him? Does it make up for the way he treated you and your loved ones? Will it make him change his ways? Do you really care?

I say, be the bigger man. Sure, cut all ties. But in the end I don't think you'll feel any better about yourself for sending the tirade.

well..there's some good advice here Phil..
all i would add is this..
If you want to send this to him to hurt him...don't
If you want to send it because in your heart you feel it's best for both of you to just end it and move on like this..by all means do it..
If you want to send it because you really don't want to end it , but you want him to know you're feelings
..then leave off the last line..
In other words the only way to really deal with anger, resentment and pain is to let it be known in an honest and fair way , but not to be part of the cycle by trying to hurt that person..
Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to appease anyone , it just means you don't hate them anymore..
Do you have to have a relatioship with him...NO..but as long as you harbor ill feelings toward someone you have one like it or not..and if you must have one make it as good a relationship as you can..not one based on anger..does he deserve those feelings? probably..but in the end everybody just does the best they can..even if they sucked at it
I saw my father twice in the last 18 years of his life..the second time (after 9 years since i saw him before ) i saw him when he was dying..I let him know that i didn't harbor any more ill feelings toward him and that it was what it was..I had moved on..It was extremely freeing for me as i really had moved on from being pissed off at him..I was 33...
my two cents..

Originally posted by: Stickman
Meh...I'd agree with Flak, in fact I'd go further and just say "Please stop contacting me."

I don't see what rest of it will achieve -- yeah you get to vent, but does it make you a better man, more of a man than him? Does it make up for the way he treated you and your loved ones? Will it make him change his ways? Do you really care?

I say, be the bigger man. Sure, cut all ties. But in the end I don't think you'll feel any better about yourself for sending the tirade.

I suppose it means he gets the last word?

Little victories and all that?

Originally posted by: Your Mom
I think the entire letter is excellent. But the last line, do you really mean it? You'd rather go through the rest of your life having *no* dad? None at all? Even a shitty one? Talk to a few people whose dads are dead, never coming back, maybe you'll realize a shitty dad is better than none?

Originally posted by: dashiel

Originally posted by: TikiGirl
Jeez Phil. I think the best thing you can do, to NOT become your Dad, is to spend all the time you can with Nathan. Be the Dad that you never had, for him.

Best of luck, man. I am very sorry that he was never there for you....

:o\

QFT

my dad had a shit father, and mother come to think of it. he's a text book case of someone who should have followed in his parents' footsteps, but he didn't. he became the most incredible father ever, i have no doubt it was hard for him at times having sixteen years of experiencing that environment, but he managed to never repeat the abhorrent behavior of his parents. i'm thirty-three this year, my sister is twenty-nine and we still go over to my parents house every sunday, with our spouses and kids, just to hang out. i don't say that to rub it in, but just to show that you can throw off the shackles of your upbringing.

the best fuck you to your dad would becoming the man he couldn't or wouldn't.

good luck.

i coach his tee ball team. I get him every weekend since i wok too muxh. Yesterday we did the natural history museum, air and space, spy muaw, and went to the top od the washington monument.

Last weekend we apent two hours hiking Bull Run Civil war park. Every time i gwt him we so something fun and educational. National aquarium, zoo, baseball games, globetrotter games. It just kills me because sometimes I have to work weekends and I don't get him. I also always work late during the week so I never do my Wednesday visitation.

His mother has never once taken him to any of these places and always goes out and leaves him with her mom. But she gets custody because she is a woman and I can't prove the shit she does.

Originally posted by: Your Mom
I think the entire letter is excellent. But the last line, do you really mean it? You'd rather go through the rest of your life having *no* dad? None at all? Even a shitty one? Talk to a few people whose dads are dead, never coming back, maybe you'll realize a shitty dad is better than none?

he's never been a part of my life. I've seen him twice since I was ten and one of those times was because I paid to fly myselfout there

Originally posted by: Walt

Originally posted by: phil
Too harsh?

who knows? who's to say?

either answer is perhaps wrong... all of what you say is heartfelt and correct to say. I would prefer maybe yelling it, having it heard—on second thought, having it there to read through tear-filled eyes over and over would be good too... but, in the end some resolution—a beeer, a quiet walk, a hug or a goodbye... closure would probably help.


if this provides you with that closure. good for you.



have a great day with your mom!

i did. My mothers family rocks. We are all really close we all (20+) get together at least once a month. We all went to a great brunch today. I've started therapy my shrink said I needed to decide, end it for ever or try to patch it up.

My mom left him because when I was three he beat me so bad I was hospitalized because I sat on and broke his glasses that he left on the couch.

I decided to end it: email is the only way he can contact me and now his addresses is blacklisted.

Closure. Ended.

Originally posted by: StinkFist
I don't know your situation mate but I think you're probably on the right track with that letter. The dad thing is strange, growing up without one does fucked up things to your ego and the way you learn to interact with people. I know my life was shaped pretty strongly by the presence of a somewhat rough father and the immediate, irrevocable loss of him. Twenty years on I still struggle with it a bit and I think the best thing I ever did was to accept the fact that I'd never have that guy to give me advice or congratulate me or be proud of my accomplishments.

Mine died but I'm sure that the patterns are the same, through my youth I looked for father figures, I acted violently toward other men and I relentlessly womanized in an attempt to define myself as a man. Eventually I caught myself and took the opportunity to define what it really meant to be a man on more rational terms, I still have issues but things are much better. And I no longer carry that chip on my shoulder (or at least it's a lot smaller now).

So, yeah finally cutting ties and moving on is awesome, congratulations

thank you. We've lived similar lives you and I. The moment I hit send I felt like my heart, my back, my shoulders, my emotions weighed 1,000 pounds less

Originally posted by: Stickman
Meh...I'd agree with Flak, in fact I'd go further and just say "Please stop contacting me."

I don't see what rest of it will achieve -- yeah you get to vent, but does it make you a better man, more of a man than him? Does it make up for the way he treated you and your loved ones? Will it make him change his ways? Do you really care?

I say, be the bigger man. Sure, cut all ties. But in the end I don't think you'll feel any better about yourself for sending the tirade.

if it caused him one shred of pain, it redeemed the decades of pain he caused me.